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Hi Lolila,

I sympathize with your difficulty and I admire you for standing by your boyfriend. I have a response that might help.

The biggest problem that I have with the standard approaches to dealing with procrastination, is that they almost always overlook the absolutely crucial fact that people procrastinate because they attempt to do things that are impossible. I don't mean absolutely impossible, such as hoping to fly just by flapping your arms, but impossible to do at the moment of deciding to do something and wanting a successful result. That is the crux of the problem with procrastination. Whenever you make something possible to do, then it becomes easy to do and you don't face resistance.

Human beings spend a lot of time focused on just one primary objective: instant gratification, which means spending as much time involved in pleasurable things and as little time involved in painful things as is possible. This is primarily a survival response. In the general way of things, if you avoid pain as much as possible, then they probabilities of you surviving (but not necessarily thriving) are greater. Whenever you sit down with a big job to do but only a vague idea of how to do it, this is a 'painful' task. Although on a conscious level you know that this is important and urgent, the more primitive and primeval part of your brain can only perceive pain and it responds by throwing out all manner of suggestions of easier things to do that are immediately possible and more fulfilling, in that moment. Because these reactions are such deep rooted survival responses, they are incredibly difficult to overcome just by using conscious willpower.

If someone has been a chronic procrastinator for a long time, then he has probably been continuously indulging in trivial distractions because they are pleasurable and offer instant gratification. Such a person cannot be expected to take on difficult, or complex tasks, after such a long period. You have to build up their capabilities again and you have to start with simple things. Carry out activities that involve real world sensory input and results - so do things with the hands. This gives real world evidence of ability and of the capability to solve problems. During periods where I suffered badly, I would get back on track by making models - Lego models or plastic assembly kits. These are relatively easy things to do but the process is fun and there is a definite point of completion. Other options are things like jigsaw puzzles, painting by numbers and other simple things. They are mini-projects that involve a bit of problem-solving. The successful completion of such things reminds a person of their real world competence and ability and consequently it gives a boost to a person's confidence.

Procrastination will strike at any time when something feels impossible to do. Instead of turning away from the problem, stop and consider the problem and what it would take to overcome the problem. If a person stops interpreting problems and the inability to get beyond them as a personal flaw and instead takes a detached view, then problem-solving can become intellectually curious and fun once again.

I recently created a procrastination analyzer that allows a person to say how they procrastinate and responds with the reasons why and possible solutions. Maybe you can try it out, just for fun.

Take care,
Nick